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Ilya Muromets vs. Paul Bunyan
Dan: Folklore is a strange thing. Not quite mythology but certainly not history, the tales that people pass down are of strength, wisdom, and bravery beyond any normal man could possibly be. Lacie: After the rise of Christianity, mythology took a downturn. People were Christians. So what was unique about them? Why, their heroes of epic strength! Each culture has their Hercules. Dan: And, as representatives of two of the strongest nations for the majority of the most warlike century in history, it's our job to see which one is stronger and would really win - nukes? Nothing less than child's play. If America and Russia threw down with the greatest force their history could offer, who would win? Lacie: Paul Bunyan, America's Giant Lumberjack. Dan: Ilya Muromets, Russia's Holy Bogatyr. Lacie: I'm Lacie, he's Dan, and it's our job together to analyze each fighter's feats and faults, strengths and weaknesses, to see who would survive.. Dan: The Clash of Warriors. ---- (He rode through the woods on a big blue ox, He had fists as hard as choppin' blocks, Five hundred pounds and nine feet tall...that's Paul.) Paul Bunyan Name: Paul Bunyan Age: ~100 Height: Officially, 10 feet tall much higher Weight: Unknown Occupation: Lumberjack at North American Timber Co. Feats Age Newborn -Hollered so loud he scared all the fish out of the streams -Had to be fed by two dozen cows at all times, and ten barrels of porridge so that he wouldn't destroy the house with his stomach's rumblings -Destroyed four acres of timberland -Created a 75 foot tall tidal wave -Accidentally sunk four war ships -Fell asleep through seven hours of cannon fire Age Adult -Unharmed by cold temperatures that froze words -Froze, straightened, and cut up the Whistling River -Dug Lake Michigan -Stamped out a fire that engulfed North Michigan -Cleared out the vast forests of North Dakota -Fast enough to move to his bed, after flipping off the lights, before the lights went out Lacie: America, the strongest nation in the world. Built on a backbone of liberty, justice, and corporations. Dan: Of many different natures, of course. From oil to banking, the world of America was built on honest and not-so-honest labor. Lacie: And each corporation has their own symbol. Software? Bill Gates. Business? Trump. Dan: And today, the lumber industry's finest.. Paul Bunyan. Lacie: Finally, a tycoon that won't break a hip trying to fuck! Dan: Tycoon? On the contrary, actually. Paul is a lovely specimen of a man. Kindhearted, and always looking to help others, Paul has a very pacifist history. Lacie: Unless you believe plants have souls. In which case? Candyman doesn't have shit on him. Dan: No one believes that, Lacie. Stop. Personality Kindhearted, Merciful -At four weeks old, understood the need to save people's lives Low Intelligence, Big Heart -Easily fooled by his own camp, believing it to be others -Won't go to violence generally and is a nice person Hard Worker Easily Fooled, Easily Angered Dan: But if you saw Paul Bunyan in real life, you'd be a fool to not believe him. Lacie: Bunyan is a giant, of enormous proportions. Even as a child- Dan: Sources actually do conflict. Some say Paul was a regular newborn, others claim he was notable at a young age. Go on. Lacie: Like I said before I was rudely interrupted, Paul is a fucking giant, and is commonly depicted as taller than even trees. Big-ass oak trees, you know? Dan: The tallest tree in the world is the redwood Hyperion, standing over 115 meters tall. It is reasonable to assume Paul is even taller than this. Size Absolutely inconsistent Newborn: Took 5 storks to deliver him, first cradle was a lumber wagon pulled by horses One Week: Fit into father's clothes Three Weeks: Destroyed four acres of timberland by rolling around in his sleep Adult: Beard was large enough for 5019 gallons of muddy water to fit in it Dan: There is an interesting aspect to Paul. He is a good man, rarely fights, and spends the absolute majority of his time cutting down trees. He doesn't do combat. Lacie: But if he did? Dan: Paul Bunyan is strong enough to cleave through entire acres of forest and could easily toss icebergs. He's fast enough to travel to the North Pole in a short time, and can yell loud enough to cause natural disasters. Lacie: His Sack contains two blizzards, obtained while battling the Whistling River, which are cold enough to freeze a 17 mile long piece of river. Since moving water requires more energy to freeze than standing water, these blizzards are incredibly cold. Dan: But there is one thing left in his arsenal, one last dangerous tool. Offense Yelling -Could cause landslides miles away -Deafened forest creatures as a baby -Strong enough to destroy a house Throwing Objects -Could throw icebergs strong enough to threaten all of Florida with tidal waves Sack -Contains two blizzards, ready to unleash and freeze -Froze the Whistling River 17 miles long Rifle Axe -Easily cut down trees -Never been destroyed or damaged Lacie: Once, there was a terrible storm. The fires froze, and the words froze. Men had to wait for morning to hear what people had said last night. The snow was a distinct shade of blue. Dan: And through it all, there was a little ox-pup. Paul Bunyan found him- Lacie: Named him, Babe, which is fine if you ask me but strange in hindsight. Dan: Babe the Blue Ox, who maintained his blue shade throughout life, would become Paul's equal if not the only thing that Paul ever had to look up to. Babe grew powerful simply by being near Paul at all times. He was as large if not larger than Paul, stretching so hard it took a crow a day to cross her horns. Lacie: Crows fly at about 30 miles per hour. In 24 hours, a crow will cross.. seven hundred and twenty.. miles. Dan: Babe was used by Paul to straighen roads, rivers, and anything Paul couldn't himself. Every day, Babe ate a ton of grain. Lacie: Babe created the Mississippi River, for chrissakes! Seriously! Terraforming kaiju-sized ox. I'd be more terrified of him than Paul. Babe the Blue Ox Paul's eternal companion and friend Adopted after the Winter of the Blue Snow Thanks to Paul's influence, grew exceptionally large Size -Took a murder of crows a day to cross her horn distance -42 axe handles and a pipe of tobacco could fit between his eyes Ate a ton of grain, every day; consumed thirty bales of hay with wire as a snack Used to straighten out roads Pulled the water tank of the camp, which one day spilled and made the Mississippi River Wed to Bessie the Yeller Cow Can survive bullet fire from Paul like a fly Dan: Through and through, Paul is the iconic American. He's always ready for work, works as hard as he can, and has carved a name out for himself. He's the strongest man in American mythology and a classic. Lacie: But don't confuse that for being Superman. Dan: Paul is physically great, but mentally not. He has zero formal combat training or, really, experience and his tales are about the mythical things he did to the Earth. Lacie: Plus he's.. you know, not the smartest guy around. You know, the one time he went around a circular river three times before realizing it was a circle? Dan: Paul is a gentle giant, and doesn't believe in combat all the time. He's a good man, a peacebringer. He's a lumberjack. Lacie: And he's America's best shot at beating those damn reds! America, fuck yeah! Weaknesses No serious combat training/experience Little focus on combat Needs to intake large amounts of food Easily fooled and has no formal education (Paul: "Up in heaven they got harps on their knees, they got clouds and wings but they got no trees. I don't think that's much of a heaven at all.") ---- (“From the famous city of Murom, out of the village of Karacharovo, the valiant, doughty youth Ilya Muromets, the son of Ivan, set out far into the open fields…”) Ilya Muromets Name: Ilya Pechorsky of Murom Age: 303 Height: 18 meters | 59 feet Weight: Unknown, immense Feats: Gifted the strength of God Cleared a timber field in an hour Taught heroic ways by Svyatogor Defeated the army of the Tatars when they had 120,000 men Defeated Nightingale the Magic Bird using a twig Defeated Nightingale's children Capable of moving faster than sound Defeated and cleared the entire town of Tzargrad Dueled and equaled Falcon the Hunter Can not die in battle according to prophecy Destroyed a large oak tree with a fiery dart Centuries of combat experience Dan: Russia is a host to a wide variety of heroes. The lands have endured millenia of cold winters, enough for people to cook up their own stories of bravado. Ilya.. isn't one of those stories. Lacie: Beatified in 1643, Venerable Ilya Pechorsky is a saint in the Orthodox Church. Before he became a monk, however, his name was Chobitok, and he was a famous warrior with unmatched strength! Dan: And as they do, the legends around him spread and spread until the creation of the bylinas - epic stories of heroes in the medieval times. Then, the true face of Ilya Muromets emerged. Lacie: In the village of Murom in.. Dan: Karacharof, there was a man who had laid on his oven for thirty years unable to move his arms or legs. When one day, five men of the cloth arrived at Ilya's home. Though his parents were out and he could not move, the priests insisted on helping him, and gave him a blessing. Lacie: Suddenly, Ilya could walk. He gave them a beer - Dan: A kvas. Lacie: And when they drank and gave it back to him for him to drink, suddenly he was gifted with enormous strength! When the priests asked him to drink again, and then again, his strength decreased to half. You're probably wondering why they limited it - it's because Ilya would be too much for the Earth to even handle! Dan: After accepting his Christian duties, Ilya turned to the status of a bogatyr - the heroes of Russian folklore passed down through for generations. As a hero, Ilya fought a wide variety of foes and lived hundreds of years. He is a very talented tactician and strategist, able to exploit enemy weaknesses and figure out plans. Lacie: He's a truly devout Christian, and a skilled fighter. Personality Clever, Adaptive Strategist -Figured out Princess Zenira's death trap Deeply Christian Honorable, noble knight -Fights against the Tatars Immensely talented in battle Dan: And, through the strength of God Himself, Ilya is one of the strongest bogatyr. Lacie: Though he was said to be able to move half the Earth before his strength was halved, his strength was then tripled! Seriously, what's the point there? "Oh, we can't do this, but this one big guy can"? Dan: It is worth noting that we've taken a look at Biblical heroesbefore. The Judge Samson was scalable to Moses, who lifted the Red Sea for hours - which requires a power output of 174 tons of TNT equivalent. Lacie: We didn't do that. Dan: Samson. Lacie: Oh- fuck, right, that's happening.. Dan, get to fucking work on the next one, people keep asking for rent money cus Angela has a cop salary and John's some kind of hero bum. Dan: You realize we're both students? Lacie: Bums. Strength Capable of moving 1/2 of the Earth before Svyatogor Cleared a field of timber in an hour Strength was tripled by Svyatogor The Earth could not bear his strength if he was any greater Survived a 2400 kg steel beam being thrown at him with no injury Killed three heroes with a wave Likely scalable to the biblical heroes of Samson and Moses Dan: Back to work, now. As mythological heroes come, Ilya's size is strange. Lacie: Remember how Gilgamesh was 50 feet tall because you wanted him to be? Dan: Mathematics- Lacie: Back to work, now. Dan: You- Lacie: Ilya's about 18 meters tall. He fit in a 10 fathom tall bed. Dan: Au contraire, miss Silverstone. He is taller than oak trees- Lacie: Didn't change anything from what I said. Dan: - and shorter than clouds. Lacie: The man's 60 feet tall. Deal with it. Size Fit in a 10 fathom tall bed Fit in the pocket of a 6,000 meter tall man Equaled the weight of a 6,000 meter tall man When riding Cloudfall, taller than oaks but shorter than clouds Dan: And Ilya, unlike our previous friend Paul, is a combat powerhouse wielding a very impressive set of weapons. Lacie: Atop his horse Cloudfall, Ilya has fought for years and years and mastered multiple forms of weaponry. In Deadliest Warrior terms cus I'm lazy: LONG RANGE... Bow & Arrow Darts MID RANGE... Sword CLOSE RANGE... Silk Whip Mace Dagger SPECIAL... Shouting Dan: That's the most useless thing I've seen all day. Lacie: While little is given of these weapons power in general, we do know that Ilya's mace weighs over half a ton and his darts are strong enough to destroy trees. Dan: His sword is perhaps his greatest asset. Formerly wielded by the giant Svyatogor, Ilya's strength had to be tripled to wield it. It is a powerful weapon, truly, though it cannot cut through everything. Offense Shouting -Could shake 40 towers with his shouts Hand to Hand Combat -Could fight for days straight Sword -Taken from Svyatogor -Strength had to be tripled to lift it Mace of Steel -Weighs 90 poods (1440 kilograms) Bow & Arrow -Can fire flaming arrows Whip -Made of silk Dagger -Made of Damascus Steel Darts -Likely inspired by his use of a twig -Can destroy entire trees and shatter them -Fiery Shield Cue Soviet March Dan: But there is one last weapon in Ilya's arsenal- wait, what's that you put there? Lacie: Ilya's a Russian. Dan: He predates Soviet times. By centuries. Lacie: Can you expect Americans to know that? Dan: You're American. Well, actually, that proves your point better. Lacie: Hey! Dan: Cloudfall is a shaggy brown horse. After being taken in by Ilya and fed according to Christian ways, he grew immensely tall and powerful! His tail was longer than any person. Lacie: Not to mention he could speak Russian and could leap impossible distances! Over mountains, rivers, anything in his way on his way to victory. Cloudfall Ilya's horse Shaggy and brown Fed according to psalm-singers -Fed white Turkish wheat and water from a fresh spring for three months -Bound for three days while anointed with three dews Capable of supporting Ilya's weight Can speak archaic Russian Mane three ells in length, Tail three fathoms Stirrup does not wear down and are made of Damascus Steel Saddlecloths increase heroic power Can see in 30 versts in any direction kilometers Capable of leaping over mountains and the entire sea Dan: Ilya Muromets is not the only bogatyr, but he is the strongest. While others such as Dobrynya rely on wit along with strength, Ilya is muscle and experience working in keen harmony. Lacie: Ilya is impressive. Yet, he is not immortal. His durability lacking sometimes, he could even be killed by non-heroes. Dan: Not to mention the man is over three hundred years old. He's obviously long-lived, but relatively frail. Lacie: Question of the Day is, now, whether that's enough! Can Ilya Muromets and his three hundred years defeat Paul Bunyan's strength? Can Cloudfall hold his own with Babe the Blue Ox? Find out soon... Weaknesses Old age Weakened without Cloudfall Not immortal, just especially long lived (Ilya: "Hail, ye merchants of Chernigof, warrior maidens and mighty heroes all! Why repent ye now, and receive the sacrament? Why do ye bid farewell thus to the white world?") Category:What-If? Death Battles Category:Abandoned What-If? Death Battles Category:Candidates for Adoption Category:Death Battles under construction for 1 year Category:Death Battles under construction for 2 years Category:Death Battles under construction for 3 years Category:Death Battles under construction for 4 years